nut hugger
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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