When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
