im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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