so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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