There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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