Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Girls should come with a carfax report
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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