mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
