I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
