my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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