dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
