She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When did we convert life to cartoon?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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