Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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