Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
