If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
