It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
