Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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