I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
