I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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