While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
