he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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