It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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