mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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