I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ketchup is God's man juice
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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