Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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