Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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