He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
