I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
