i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
