Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
