I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
