Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
