he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
