a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
