Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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