pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
