Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
