He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
