Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
