Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
