I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
