Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude i'm inner monologue high
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
