The maid of honor just puked.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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