I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
