i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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