im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
