That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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