shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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