just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
