Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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