im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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