whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
