This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i love accidental penises.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
