Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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